My thoughts and thinking processes are becoming less and less coherent…and that’s a good thing or so it feels, as my spiritual process continues to generate changes in how I function even while love-bliss crashes down through me. I’m finding it more difficult to blog these days as a result. Or at least my thoughts have less momentum, and therefore, I’m less inclined to document them. It’s not that I’m becoming disfunctional or that I can’t carry on a useful conversation. When an occasion calls for sensible discourse, I function as well as ever without much effort:
“Yes, we have four properties available from December 23rd to 30th, all of which provide great ski in and out and have private hot tubs. Bookings are accepted on a first-come, first-serve basis.“
There’s nothing incoherent about that. Its preseason at Sun Peaks and guests are calling to book accommodations for the upcoming winter, and being able to sell and speak intelligibly is obviously useful.
But beyond this kind of utility, I find the thoughts I think between the times I’m using my mind for worldly purposes to be less and less patterned. My thoughts in general are so often muted in their persuasiveness that they rise and fall away without much fuss and rarely with enough force to capture my full attention for more than a few whispered sentences at a time.
Right now, I’m sitting here, bathed in The Beloved’s grace waiting for words to arise to type and feeling my way around this sentence rather than composing something rigidly designed to support an argument.
Prior to this new phase in my sadhana and the growing impact of it on how A Cage functions, there was a concrete reality and absoluteness to my reliance on thoughts and the words that communicate them, even when only spoken in my own mind.
In other words, for most of my life, I have been a real thinker. I’ve been what Adi Da refers to as a “solid” personality type, a reference to my reliance on thinking as a strategy to gain control over my emotions as well as a sense of control over all things I’m afraid might otherwise control me (although, I have been more of a “vital” generally with solid tendencies).
One thought led to another, to another, to another. Each thought represented my truth as it arose. I identified with the thoughts so completely that they were me. There was no ability to stop thinking between thoughts nor any real call to in the normal day to day function of A Cage. Sound familiar?
And yet my reliance on thinking and words was troubled from the beginning. I had undiagnosed dyslexia as a young person so found words frustrating even as I found them attractive in their usefulness, particularly when arguing which I was deeply inclined to do with everyone. “You must see my point of view!”
But over time, I started to see how words are merely conventional. Like metric or imperial systems of measurement are conventions. Language is built on a set of agreed upon rules. Nothing about the English language is hardwired at birth like the heart pumping blood. And yet, by the time we have begun to think in our preferred language, we have lost sight of the fact that the words our minds are talking are not real and true, having only agreed upon meanings, if only to ourselves.
Word meanings are built on connotation and interpretation guaranteeing no two beings ever truly see eye to eye exclusively based on an exchange of words (except possibly in the field of mathematics). The entire field of law is evidence of this problem, otherwise you wouldn’t need a lawyer on each side to interpret words if their meanings were inescapable.
Words are generally inexact but when employed effectively they can be very useful in the Darwinian sense. They help beings survive. You don’t need to know the ultimate real nature of a mushroom when someone tells you not to eat it because it’s poisonous. Where would our species be without that kind of “matter of fact” communication?
And yet it’s also true that we don’t actually know what a single thing really IS (actually IS, perfectly IS, right down to and at the base of it’s subatomic energetic case), and it seems obvious to me that normal, coherent discourse, both between people and within the thinking of a single person’s mind, is non-sensible gibberish made to seem sensible only when it is useful. “Would you like to book that chalet using Visa, Mastercard or Amex?”
I suspect that our absolutely belief in the importance of the words we exchange and think relates to this animal need to perpetuate our species. Trusting that words are telling us something true most often is essential for survival. “I hear you say it’s poisonous, but what is a mushroom in reality?” That would be a short conversation.
The utility of language has given humans the highest rung on the evolutionary ladder of the animal kingdom and no doubt our obsessive, self-reflexive, internal monologs are also part of this same survival of the species adaptation. I’ve begun to see and feel that language is one of our chief hurdles to spiritual understanding. Language didn’t evolve so we could become enlightened, although it’s evolution seems to have made it possible for some exceptional beings to live long enough to become enlightened.
In the very first audio recording during which I ever heard Adi Da’s voice in a talk called, Frogs and Walls, He said, “No communication is truth or leads to it.“
I take this to mean that there is no combination of words or thoughts built on the structures of language that can communicate Truth or Reality. As I’ve begun to understand the limitations of language, this seems obvious, without words obvious, tacitly obvious, like walking out in the heat of the day and feeling the sun on your face knowing the sun is the source of heat obvious, that no combination of words can possibly perfectly capture the Divine Reality such that my word-made mind could comprehend—that obvious.
And yet, I doubt anyone has ever communicated so much about the spiritual process with such remarkable clarity and precision as Adi Da Samraj. So what’s the point?
I can’t speak to anything in ultimate terms but I can speak about my case. Prior to last year’s spontaneous shift in “understanding” when I somehow could see that all possible experiences were objective in some way to “myself” existing as the conscious location where these experiences “registered”, I had no real insight to Adi Da’s communications on conducting His Spiritual Transmission in the frontal line of my body-mind.
Now this experience is as real and true for me as any experience I’ve ever had. As real as a hot shower when I’m cold. I feel a near constant downward force flowing from above and through the top of my head toward my navel (and to a lessor degree flowing back up my spine). And this feeling is accompanied by waves of ecstatic, love-bliss that is “feeling” but not emotion. That’s as good a description as I can come up with. Do you know what I mean exactly?
Adi Da has written and spoken extensively on this topic. What I read previously without understanding, I now read and it “seems” to make perfect sense; but can I really know I’m having the exact experience He’s written about?
Words are sign posts. They point to things that one may try to understand, but ultimately in every possible way, the words whether heard, read or thought are always imperfect renderings. This “knowledge” is becoming “tacitly” understood by me. My thoughts are becoming obviously not true or even meaningful—mid-syllable—and collapse into mind silence that feels like love, like bliss, like ecstasy.
When Adi Da Samraj says,”No communication is truth or leads to it” I am beginning to “know” this wordlessly. The words we think, write or read are useful only in so far as they help us intuit whether we’re on the right path. Adidam is a “Way”. Adi Da’s Words say, This Way to Freedom, to Truth, to Reality, to The Heart.
Find Him if you’re able. Follow Your Silent, Loving, Blissful Heart to Its Source!