Adi Da writes that His Spirit Current will be felt descending from the crown of the head toward the bodily base and then circulating back up the spine as the Way progresses for His devotees. I notice this current descending more than I feel it ascending and have discovered that my “frontal line” seems to be somewhat blocked above the navel but just below the solar plexus. I’m not sure why and although I have my suspicions I’m not “working on it” as though it’s a problem to be overcome. “I” am the body-mind. “I” am the active refusal of the Divine Spirit Current at all times. Merely because I seem to be refusing it less forcefully these past 9 months is neither laudable or a sign of having “achieved” something. There are times when my frontal line seems to be rigid and solid. It’s at these times, my feeling conductivity of Bhagavan’s Samadhi is most muted.
When I discover this to be true and notice my ability to locate Bhagavan is diminished, there is a tendency for anxiety to arise. But unlike before I began to enjoy the Gift of deeper self-understanding, the feeling of anxiety is itself noticed as the sign of self-contraction and I tend not to reinforce it by giving it any more attention than the mere noticing of it. Nor do I tend to reinforce it by trying to deal with the anxiety, or even trying to ignoring it hoping it will go away.
Bhagavan Adi Da Samraj gave an exquisite discourse called The Ultimate Wisdom Of The Perfect Practice wherein he notes that we don’t have to do anything to the body-mind in order to realize the Divine Condition which is Always Already The Case. He asks why we need to respond to fear arising in the body-mind any more than we need respond to any experience; “whether the body feels good or not doesn’t make any difference.” Identifying with the experiences of the body-mind is the act of self-contraction.
I notice the anxiety, but it’s not as binding as in the past because I also don’t lock attention to that feeling as forcefully as in the past. My certainty that I am the one feeling anxiety is no longer absolute. I hear my mind protest, “this is a problem.” I hear most contracted thoughts like someone speaking to me. “I” am the body-mind, the ego activity that generates both the feeling of anxiety and also the voices telling me something should be done about it. All this happens in seconds or less, and I feel myself “laughing” at the internal dialog of a madman. I may suddenly smile to “myself” sitting near my loved ones and then the frontal line spontaneously relaxes and a deep breath fills in to the bottom of my lungs. The Beloved One is located.
I have imagined in the moments just prior to death, my body distressed and suffering and can see the egoic nonsense of thinking that enlightenment is only possible when everything is just right. And since it’s never just right, it’s permanently postponed. If a little background anxiety is sufficient to distract my attention from The Great One on a calm, blue-sky day, what chance would exist for this fool in the jaws of a bear at the moment of death (I use this analogy because I have often hunted alone in grizzly country in norther British Columbia).
No doubt if such a fate were to occur to me I’d be feeling a lot more than mere anxiety. Thankfully, the “difficulties” that arise in my day are nothing so extreme, but I’ve noticed that even the residue of weakened patterns have a tendency to “accumulate” in the body-mind like tea stains on a favorite cup.
My work demands have increased allowing me less time each day to meditate, read Adi Da’s teachings, listen to or watch YouTube discourses, read Leelas from His devotees, or transcribe my favorite of His audio recordings. And with more work there is less time for exercise and even less attention on right diet as I choose quicker foods over those that are less toxifying.
Then as circumstances would have it, several situations also arose related to my business and personal life that had the capacity to produce reactive emotions; fires erupted nearby threatening our home and business in Sun Peaks. Our Resort was shut down so we were forced to refund thousands of dollars to guests who had bookings with us. Staffing shortages and inexperience resulted in a property owner having a terrible arrival to his home whereupon he expressed his dissatisfaction to me (doing he so fairly but firmly). I was forced to fire one of my staff. My website for taking bookings spontaneously stopped working for more than a day. I think you get the picture.
Situations like this normally generate reactive patterns of one kind or another and all of them tend to magnify the stress a person feels. However, by and large each of these potential “shocks” washed over me without any one of them deeply distracting me from my relationship to Bhagavan and His Grace. As each issue arose and I could see the pattern of emotions normally associated with such events starting to arise, I would notice my attention distracted from Bhagavan, evidenced by a muting of the feeling of love-bliss. I was still feeling Bhagavan’s Grace, my mind still largely quiet between thoughts, my feeling attention on the Mystery that is embodied by Adi Da Samraj, but all of this with less magnitude overall than in the months before.
Sitting in meditation in the mornings with slightly less time available to me, I can feel my frontal line more solidly. All of this has been a demonstration to me of why Bhagavan Adi Da repeatedly admonishes devotees to maintain the right life disciplines related to diet and exercise and the devotional activities that I’ve had less time for. The body-mind needs constant purification so that the Guru can do His Work with the devotee who is turned in recognition response.
I notice the feeling of love-bliss and the current of Bhagavan’s Samahdi when I’m devotionally turned to Him like I’m taking inventory. It’s full; it’s less full; it’s muted; it’s full. I also notice my anxiety even though it’s muted. I notice the feelings that begin to arise during moments of business or life stress. But neither noticing or inventory taking is of much concern whether the experience is high or low. The mere fact that “I” am experiencing anything is demonstration of the self-contraction. My attention, feeling, breath and body turn to the Mystery as best I can in any given moment. It’s unavoidable that there is phasing in my practice.
Sitting in my meditation room this evening, typing this blog post after what in the past would have been a very stressful day, during what could have been a stressful month, I am immersed in the heady, blissful, ecstatic current of The Divine Feeling of Being. I can feel a tightness in my frontal line as my body inhales spontaneously and deeply. That tight feeling deserves no special attention. I notice it the same as I notice the bliss.
I know that I need to cleanse the tea stains from my body-mind that have begun to accumulate from my current phase. I’ll take the appropriate actions soon enough, but with Grace, will find myself doing them without motivation, bathed in the bliss of my Master’s Heart. And probably still aware of the subtle anxiety of a body-mind that knows the bear awaits.